he doesn't read this. he doesn't know it's even here. but the school therapist said i should write letters to people who make me feel... 'sick' and not send them. for once, i am sad to say, this isn't to marcus...

a letter to you, my 'love'

i don't know what to say anymore. what did i do wrong? you keep telling me you love me, and then you yell at me. i hate ti when you treat me this way. you claim yo need me and that you love me, and that you cant be without me.. why then, dont you understand why I'm up crying at night. alone. while your next to me. I'm feeling so alone now and i cant take it. you keep saying you understand me, you are here for me, and you care for me, but when i call to tell you I'm feeling 'bad' ... you never have anything to say. and when i try to explain what i am thinking, you yell at me and tell me I'm wrong, or it's wrong or not true.. I KNOW it's WRONG that's why i;m telling you! i don't nee dot be yelled at i need you to understand that when i say the VOICES in my head are telling me what a FUCKING WHORE i am i want you to understand IT'S NOT ME! i don't want to think it, it's not my fault.
and after everything, after all i say... when we screw around.. you call me your bitch. you just make me feel like i deserve all this.. and i fucking like it. BUT you DON'T see that LIKENING IT makes me FEEL SICK!!! and even outside all that, ignoring everything else, you see fit to yell at ME when your upset about other things. like school, or your family and when i try to help you yell at me... I"M SORRY! I'M SORRY I LOVE YOU! i wish you would just show me you love me, like you say you do...
i miss my old boyfriend.. at least when he said he loved me, he knew it was a lie, and so did i.. but he treated me well, even if he was too clingy, and said i wasn't doing 'enough' .. or hell, the one before him was great.. i don't know why i fucked that up, but he was better with another girl, and a very good friend, i need to get back with..
but you... YOU.. you keep yelling at me, and hurting me, and not listening, you always say we need to talk and that communication is important, but why talk when you wont listen.
i don't want to leave you, i don't want to dump you, i fucking love you, but you need to love me back, or leave me alone. please, no matter how much i think i deserve to be hurt.. don't hurt me anymore.